Life and Blog Updates – why I haven’t been blogging

It’s been a long time since my last blog post. I’ve been really struggling lately and here’s why.

I recently completed my Masters and I’m left in this state of limbo where I know what I want to do next – but I’m not a 100 percent sure about it. For instance, in November I will be taking the Teaching English as a Foreign Language seminar. I have also decided to take some French in December (to enhance my spoken language – otherwise, I’m pretty good with reading and writing).

I’ve been really hard on myself lately. Most of my friends are back to school and I’m ‘taking the year off’ or so to speak. I haven’t been able to focus on writing or reading or anything but this sense of loss and confusion.  I’ve been feeling bored and that I should be using my time wisely. But fuck it. I need the time off. I need the break I didn’t get to take over the summer, and I need to just accept that this is only a phase and that it will be worth my while in the end.

For the longest time I was looking for a word to describe how I felt. I was looking for something to describe this feeling of displacement and then I found it.

Monachpsis:  “the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach…”

A few nights ago, I was out at a bar mingling with friends and some new people when I was asked what I was doing with my life – in a causal and non offensive way of course. I answered that I had a Master’s degree, and that I worked in a pharmacy for the time being until I went back to school for my PhD. I was surprised at how easily I answered the question – without a moment of hesitation.

Then it dawned on me. I had been telling people that ‘I just completed or was done my masters’ but never that I had the degree. It put a smile on my face. It felt good to finally say it.

So. Fucking. Good.

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All or Nothing

Day 11: Most Proud Moment-many days late.

This took me a long time to really think of. I didn’t know where to start or how to really express myself when it comes to being proud of someone or myself.

I was on a train leaving Rome with family when I received the email. I had found out that I was admitted into graduate school to complete my Masters. I felt so much joy and so much turmoil all at once.

I was excited to be continuing my education and pursuing my dream to teach at a college or university level. Yet in that same exact moment, I felt like I didn’t deserve to be there. The impostor syndrome started kicking in before I even began.

I was told to be proud of myself but I wasn’t and ti sat with me for while.

A few days later, I attended my uncle’s PhD. thesis defense.He had spoken a lot about his work and his research and what he hoped to achieve in the future.In many ways, he is my role model, the person who encourages me  the most, who still does.  It was not until a room full of people clapped and cheered for him when he received his doctorate that it dawned on me.

I didn’t feel proud of myself because I was too busy being proud of him.

My most proud moment is not my own, not yet. But it will be.