It’s been a long time since my last blog post. I’ve been really struggling lately and here’s why.
I recently completed my Masters and I’m left in this state of limbo where I know what I want to do next – but I’m not a 100 percent sure about it. For instance, in November I will be taking the Teaching English as a Foreign Language seminar. I have also decided to take some French in December (to enhance my spoken language – otherwise, I’m pretty good with reading and writing).
I’ve been really hard on myself lately. Most of my friends are back to school and I’m ‘taking the year off’ or so to speak. I haven’t been able to focus on writing or reading or anything but this sense of loss and confusion. I’ve been feeling bored and that I should be using my time wisely. But fuck it. I need the time off. I need the break I didn’t get to take over the summer, and I need to just accept that this is only a phase and that it will be worth my while in the end.
For the longest time I was looking for a word to describe how I felt. I was looking for something to describe this feeling of displacement and then I found it.
Monachpsis: “the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach…”
A few nights ago, I was out at a bar mingling with friends and some new people when I was asked what I was doing with my life – in a causal and non offensive way of course. I answered that I had a Master’s degree, and that I worked in a pharmacy for the time being until I went back to school for my PhD. I was surprised at how easily I answered the question – without a moment of hesitation.
Then it dawned on me. I had been telling people that ‘I just completed or was done my masters’ but never that I had the degree. It put a smile on my face. It felt good to finally say it.
So. Fucking. Good.
#21: Something I miss
I have all the feels about his particular post.
Two years ago (2015) I spent most of my summer in Lebanon visiting family and friends. It still makes me smile when I mention my visit to anyone. I consider it to be the trip of a life time and I can’t wait to go back.
One of my fondest memories from my visit is the time when my cousins and I drove across the country to walk through the Cedars of Lebanon.
As I close my eyes, I can feel the cool, crisp air. The memory of climbing over large rocks and tree roots as I walk down the winding path, brings me joy. The patches of sun beating down on my shoulders and the warmth it brings my body is exhilarating. I can reach out and touch the leaves between my fingers; their texture is soft yet rough. I am at ease with the people I am with.
Family and friends.
The late nights sharing drinks and anecdotes.
The hot days of Beirut.
The family lunches and dinners.
Being called ‘my cousin from Canada’.
Hiking in the mountains.
Swimming in the ocean.
Driving down winding roads to new adventures.
Being teased about my Arabic pronunciation.
Teasing them about their English.
Playing bubble soccer.
Sitting on the beach.
The promises made and kept.
Bar hoping and day drinking.
Dancing in the car.
The shenanigans, pranks, and silly stunts.
The way my aunt and mom used to dance when they were happy.
My uncle’s dad jokes.
‘Kiss me again’ as a recurring curse.
… so, so much more.
But mostly, I miss the experience, and the cherished the memories.
#15: Timeline of my day from three days ago.
I forgot to post this.
0930: Wake-up call.
0930–1030: Morning Routine (Wash face, brush teeth, put on makeup)
1030-1055: Dressed (Jeans and a tee-shirt).
1100-1115: Breakfast (Glass of milk and some fruit).
1120-1150: In the car to pick up a friend (we had plans to hang out).
1200-1220: Picked up said friend.
1220-1110: Drove to coffee shop (and obviously purchased coffee).
0115–0130: We bought food to go (Cheese and Spinach pies) and some chocolate and chips for snacks.
0130: Decided to picnic in a park with our goodies:
0130-0415: Hung out in park next to the waterfalls. It was a nice get away from the stress that is research (self-care and giggles).
0415-730: Decided to go shopping (between the mall and the thrift shop, we found some cute goodies).
0800: Dropped friend off.
0810-0850: Picked mom up and took her grocery shopping.
0900: Late Dinner (something light of course).
0930: Skype call with the bestie.