It’s been a long time since my last blog post. I’ve been really struggling lately and here’s why.
I recently completed my Masters and I’m left in this state of limbo where I know what I want to do next – but I’m not a 100 percent sure about it. For instance, in November I will be taking the Teaching English as a Foreign Language seminar. I have also decided to take some French in December (to enhance my spoken language – otherwise, I’m pretty good with reading and writing).
I’ve been really hard on myself lately. Most of my friends are back to school and I’m ‘taking the year off’ or so to speak. I haven’t been able to focus on writing or reading or anything but this sense of loss and confusion. I’ve been feeling bored and that I should be using my time wisely. But fuck it. I need the time off. I need the break I didn’t get to take over the summer, and I need to just accept that this is only a phase and that it will be worth my while in the end.
For the longest time I was looking for a word to describe how I felt. I was looking for something to describe this feeling of displacement and then I found it.
Monachpsis: “the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach…”
A few nights ago, I was out at a bar mingling with friends and some new people when I was asked what I was doing with my life – in a causal and non offensive way of course. I answered that I had a Master’s degree, and that I worked in a pharmacy for the time being until I went back to school for my PhD. I was surprised at how easily I answered the question – without a moment of hesitation.
Then it dawned on me. I had been telling people that ‘I just completed or was done my masters’ but never that I had the degree. It put a smile on my face. It felt good to finally say it.
So. Fucking. Good.
#18 What am I afraid of?
I tend to take my time when it comes to answering questions like these.
In a few words, I find questions about love, fear, death and life quite difficult to answer.
Death has always been difficult for me. I’ve a few people I’ve loved over the years but I was always too young to understand what it really meant. I’ve never been properly equipped to deal with it. Nor do I think I’m capable of dealing with it now.
When someone I know has a family member or friend that passed away, I do this thing where I try not to let it get to me. I feel like this blob who’s just there to offer a hug and my condolences without really understanding what the death of this person means to them. I tell them that they are in a better place, that they’re happier in heaven, that I’ll say a prayer for them that… I understand how they must feel.
But I don’t.
I’m not afraid to die.
I’m afraid to love.
I’m afraid to lose someone I love.
I carry a lot of weight on my shoulders: metaphorically and literally.
Whether I am carrying a backpack or purse, there always seems to be a surplus of items that I really don’t need but carry around ‘just in case’. Bad habit I know, but you seriously never know what could happen and if you need that one item you left at home that one day.
My typical bag hold the following items:
- Makeup Bag (Inside: Concealer, Powder, Lipstick, Beauty Blender, Mirror, Small Brush, a Travel-Size Mascara, Tweezers, Eyebrow Pencil, and Moisturizer).
- A Good Book (Currently: Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? by Mindy Kaling).
- Gum or Mints.
- Hand Lotion.
- Hand Sanitizer.
Ps: Feature image is not my actual bag.
#13 Favorite Quote(s)
Dear wonderful followers,
I apologize for not posting more often. This is a very busy time of year for me, I promise to make more of an effort.
So here are some of my most favorite quotes:
“There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written. That is all…”
– Oscar Wilde
“And though she be but little, she is fierce…”
– William Shakespeare
“The artist is the creator of beautiful things. To reveal art and conceal the artist is art’s aim…”
– Oscar Wilde
“I just think it’s so weird that women make individual choices and then absolute strangers think they can have all kinds of opinions about them…”
– Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
“Of course I am not worried about intimidating men. The type of man who will be intimidated by me is exactly the type of man I have no interest in…”
– Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
“I want more — much more — than a band-aid. I want a revolution in the hills and towns, among the trees, I still call home…”
– Eli Clare
There is a lot I would do if I won the lottery. Here is a list of stuff I would do:
- I would pay off all of my student loans. Kind of sad right?
- I would travel to all the places I’ve always wanted to visit (Like Greece, Spain, Paris, London, Turkey…etc).
- Donate to charity obviously.
- Buy a house – with a pool – by the beach.
- And invest the fuck out of it.
… I thought this list would be longer.
What would you do?
Day 10: 1st Celebrity Crush
Hmm… it took me a while to remember who this was.
Behold: Chad Michael Murray. My first real celebrity crush.
No… I don’t count cartoon men as crushes. If I did, then Aladdin would be my first.
Nonetheless, as a teen I was absolutely obsessed with Chad Michael Murray. I had posters of him and other hot celebs, but lots of him, that covered my walls. I mean look at him, isn’t he just so cute?
Okay, okay maybe this crush is a little silly. A lot of my friends really liked him too. I bet lots of people still do. He did look really good in that Agent Carter film…
Day 9:Piercings and Tattoos?
I currently have my top left cartilage and ears pierced once. Oddly, people are often surprised when I tell them I want to get my tongue and eyebrow pierced. I don’t understand why though, people do it all the time. I’ve contemplated these for a while now and I think when the time comes, I’ll finally stop chickening out and do it.
As for tattoos, I have none. But, I’m an email back from a tattoo parlor away from booking the appointment. Like many places, they’re busy. I’ve decided on a small, wispy, quill tattoo dipped in ink, spattered with color.
As someone who likes to draw, paint and write, I feel like this is appropriate. Needless to say, it has meaning.