It’s been a long time since my last blog post. I’ve been really struggling lately and here’s why.
I recently completed my Masters and I’m left in this state of limbo where I know what I want to do next – but I’m not a 100 percent sure about it. For instance, in November I will be taking the Teaching English as a Foreign Language seminar. I have also decided to take some French in December (to enhance my spoken language – otherwise, I’m pretty good with reading and writing).
I’ve been really hard on myself lately. Most of my friends are back to school and I’m ‘taking the year off’ or so to speak. I haven’t been able to focus on writing or reading or anything but this sense of loss and confusion. I’ve been feeling bored and that I should be using my time wisely. But fuck it. I need the time off. I need the break I didn’t get to take over the summer, and I need to just accept that this is only a phase and that it will be worth my while in the end.
For the longest time I was looking for a word to describe how I felt. I was looking for something to describe this feeling of displacement and then I found it.
Monachpsis: “the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach…”
A few nights ago, I was out at a bar mingling with friends and some new people when I was asked what I was doing with my life – in a causal and non offensive way of course. I answered that I had a Master’s degree, and that I worked in a pharmacy for the time being until I went back to school for my PhD. I was surprised at how easily I answered the question – without a moment of hesitation.
Then it dawned on me. I had been telling people that ‘I just completed or was done my masters’ but never that I had the degree. It put a smile on my face. It felt good to finally say it.
So. Fucking. Good.
#29: Top things on my Bucket list – updated
- Be a leader in my field.
- Be a tourist in my own city.
- Climb a fucking tree (to the top).
- Create a piece of art and sell it.
- Dive/jump off the high dive board.
- Do a push-up handstand – without assistance.
- Do a themed run.
- Do more feminist-y things
- Drive a seadoo.
- Drive a snowmobile.
- Dye some of my hair an unnatural color.
- Eat alone at a restaurant.
- Fall in love.
- Find a new hobby
- Find treasure with a metal detector.
- Fly first class.
- Get my abs back.
- Go Bungee Jumping.
- Go cliff diving.
- Go ‘ghost hunting’ with friends.
- Go on a Hot Air Balloon Ride.
- Go on More than one Road Trip.
- Go Scuba Diving.
- Go Sky diving.
- Go to a bonfire/build one.
- Go to Movies by myself.
- Go wine tasting.
- Graffiti something.
- Have my blog recognized.
- Host a game night (make it 1920s themed).
- Knit a scarf.
- Learn something new and be good at it.
- Learn to play poker like a champ.
- Learn to skateboard.
- Master a new language.
- Meet Someone Famous.
- Paint something at Paint Nite.
- Party in a forest.
- Plant a tree.
- Play a game of paintball.
- Race a go-kart again.
- Read a banned book.
- Read a hundred books in a year.
- Ride a bike across the city.
- Ride a camel.
- Ride a Horse and Carriage.
- Ride a Zip line.
- Road-trip across Canada.
- Survive my five to six years as PhD candidate.
- Swim in a Pool at night filled with glow sticks.
- Take a self-defense class.
- Take a train across a country.
- TESL (Teaching English as a Second Language) certificate.
- Throw a themed party.
- Unplug for a week.
- Visit the seven wonders of the world.
- Walk a Suspension Bridge.
- White Water Rafting.
- Write my name on wet cement.
- Continue being a bad-ass queen.
#18 What am I afraid of?
I tend to take my time when it comes to answering questions like these.
In a few words, I find questions about love, fear, death and life quite difficult to answer.
Death has always been difficult for me. I’ve a few people I’ve loved over the years but I was always too young to understand what it really meant. I’ve never been properly equipped to deal with it. Nor do I think I’m capable of dealing with it now.
When someone I know has a family member or friend that passed away, I do this thing where I try not to let it get to me. I feel like this blob who’s just there to offer a hug and my condolences without really understanding what the death of this person means to them. I tell them that they are in a better place, that they’re happier in heaven, that I’ll say a prayer for them that… I understand how they must feel.
But I don’t.
I’m not afraid to die.
I’m afraid to love.
I’m afraid to lose someone I love.
#15: Timeline of my day from three days ago.
I forgot to post this.
0930: Wake-up call.
0930–1030: Morning Routine (Wash face, brush teeth, put on makeup)
1030-1055: Dressed (Jeans and a tee-shirt).
1100-1115: Breakfast (Glass of milk and some fruit).
1120-1150: In the car to pick up a friend (we had plans to hang out).
1200-1220: Picked up said friend.
1220-1110: Drove to coffee shop (and obviously purchased coffee).
0115–0130: We bought food to go (Cheese and Spinach pies) and some chocolate and chips for snacks.
0130: Decided to picnic in a park with our goodies:
0130-0415: Hung out in park next to the waterfalls. It was a nice get away from the stress that is research (self-care and giggles).
0415-730: Decided to go shopping (between the mall and the thrift shop, we found some cute goodies).
0800: Dropped friend off.
0810-0850: Picked mom up and took her grocery shopping.
0900: Late Dinner (something light of course).
0930: Skype call with the bestie.
I carry a lot of weight on my shoulders: metaphorically and literally.
Whether I am carrying a backpack or purse, there always seems to be a surplus of items that I really don’t need but carry around ‘just in case’. Bad habit I know, but you seriously never know what could happen and if you need that one item you left at home that one day.
My typical bag hold the following items:
- Makeup Bag (Inside: Concealer, Powder, Lipstick, Beauty Blender, Mirror, Small Brush, a Travel-Size Mascara, Tweezers, Eyebrow Pencil, and Moisturizer).
- A Good Book (Currently: Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? by Mindy Kaling).
- Gum or Mints.
- Hand Lotion.
- Hand Sanitizer.
Ps: Feature image is not my actual bag.
#13 Favorite Quote(s)
Dear wonderful followers,
I apologize for not posting more often. This is a very busy time of year for me, I promise to make more of an effort.
So here are some of my most favorite quotes:
“There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written. That is all…”
– Oscar Wilde
“And though she be but little, she is fierce…”
– William Shakespeare
“The artist is the creator of beautiful things. To reveal art and conceal the artist is art’s aim…”
– Oscar Wilde
“I just think it’s so weird that women make individual choices and then absolute strangers think they can have all kinds of opinions about them…”
– Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
“Of course I am not worried about intimidating men. The type of man who will be intimidated by me is exactly the type of man I have no interest in…”
– Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
“I want more — much more — than a band-aid. I want a revolution in the hills and towns, among the trees, I still call home…”
– Eli Clare
There is a lot I would do if I won the lottery. Here is a list of stuff I would do:
- I would pay off all of my student loans. Kind of sad right?
- I would travel to all the places I’ve always wanted to visit (Like Greece, Spain, Paris, London, Turkey…etc).
- Donate to charity obviously.
- Buy a house – with a pool – by the beach.
- And invest the fuck out of it.
… I thought this list would be longer.
What would you do?