#28: The last time I cried
This was a difficult post for me to write. I’m a very sensitive person so I cry about a lot of things. I’ve cried about shared stories, happy endings, and heartwarming tales; I once cried because of how cute a kitten was – and it wasn’t even mine. Heck, I’ve even cried for absolutely no reason. I was just sitting there and the tears started falling.
Yesterday was different though. I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster that had no end. I had to deal with people I didn’t like, drive around the city, for unnecessary things, and then help a friend with who was having some relationship problems. Talk about emotionally draining.
Said friend came over late in the evening and was asking for advice. They had me read a letter they were writing for someone they cared about and requested my opinion. It was tough to tell them what I really thought because I was never placed in a situation like theirs. I couldn’t tell them what to say or how to say it – then it wouldn’t be their feelings and emotions, it would be mine. Mine don’t even make sense right now.
As they were leaving, I was reminded about where I was, what I was doing, and who I wanted to be. Despite everything good that is happening in my life, I feel like I still haven’t accomplished as much as I would have liked to accomplish. Imposter syndrome hits again.
I sat there being mad at myself, pissed off that I had done nothing but write my Research Project this summer. I was pissed that I didn’t get to go out as much and enjoy some time off. I was pissed that I didn’t get to go to the places I wanted to go because I was stuck writing my Research Project, I was pissed because… life has been shit and I haven’t had enough ‘me time’.
So I broke down and cried about it. I haven’t cried like this in a long time and to be honest, it felt so good once the tears stopped streaming. I felt like a giant load had been taken off my shoulders and I was just left alone with my thoughts.
I wanted to write this post yesterday, but I just wasn’t able to put my thoughts into words. I wasn’t able to focus on how I was feeling besides being angry and sad. I feel better today though, more free and clear headed.
I promised myself to do some more self care,
and that is exactly what I am going to do.