Quirky

#31: Weird quirk of mine.

This is kind of like the bad habits post right? But more so something I don’t mind? I don’t know… here are some of my weird quirks I guess:

  1. I like wrapping myself tightly in blanket burritos.
  2. Despite my brutal honesty in certain situations I always happen to think of something better to say hours later. I don’t know if that’s a quirk, but it happens.
  3. I turn the sound down in the car when I’m trying to park, find an address, or when it’s really dark and I can’t see well – as if it will help me focus better.
  4. I phonetically sound out certain words to help me spell them.
  5. I will notoriously listen to the same song over and over again until I get sick of it. Then claim to dislike the song later, only to listen to it over and over again.
  6. I will check my phone consistently if I’m bored or placed in a really awkward situation – hoping that something on it might rescue me.
  7. Checking my purse for my wallet and keys even when I just placed them both inside. And checking the stove before leaving the house – I don’t know if that’s a quirk or just paranoia.
  8. I sometimes bite my lip when I’m thinking – focused as fuck.
  9. I have a serious sweet tooth.
  10. I karaoke sing in the car.
  11. I really like puns – puns are funny.
  12. I can’t think of anymore.
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Shit I want to do be fore I die

#29: Top things on my Bucket list – updated

  1. Be a leader in my field.
  2. Be a tourist in my own city.
  3. Climb a fucking tree (to the top).
  4. Create a piece of art and sell it.
  5. Dive/jump off the high dive board.
  6. Do a push-up handstand – without assistance.
  7. Do a themed run.
  8. Do more feminist-y things
  9. Drive a seadoo.
  10. Drive a snowmobile.
  11. Dye some of my hair an unnatural color.
  12.  Eat alone at a restaurant.
  13. Fall in love.
  14. Find a new hobby
  15. Find treasure with a metal detector.
  16. Fly first class.
  17. Get my abs back.
  18. Go Bungee Jumping.
  19. Go cliff diving.
  20.  Go ‘ghost hunting’ with friends.
  21. Go on a Hot Air Balloon Ride.
  22. Go on More than one Road Trip.
  23. Go Scuba Diving.
  24.  Go Sky diving.
  25. Go to a bonfire/build one.
  26. Go to Movies by myself.
  27. Go wine tasting.
  28. Graffiti something.
  29. Have my blog recognized.
  30. Host a game night (make it 1920s themed).
  31. Knit a scarf.
  32. Learn something new and be good at it.
  33. Learn to play poker like a champ.
  34. Learn to skateboard.
  35. Master a new language.
  36. Meet Someone Famous.
  37. Paint something at Paint Nite.
  38. Party in a forest.
  39. Plant a tree.
  40. Play a game of paintball.
  41. Race a go-kart again.
  42. Read a banned book.
  43. Read a hundred books in a year.
  44. Ride a bike across the city.
  45. Ride a camel.
  46. Ride a Horse and Carriage.
  47. Ride a Zip line.
  48. Road-trip across Canada.
  49. Survive my five to six years as PhD candidate.
  50. Swim in a Pool at night filled with glow sticks.
  51. Take a self-defense class.
  52. Take a train across a country.
  53. TESL (Teaching English as a Second Language) certificate.
  54. Throw a themed party.
  55. Unplug for a week.
  56. Visit the seven wonders of the world.
  57. Walk a Suspension Bridge.
  58. White Water Rafting.
  59. Write my name on wet cement.
  60. Continue being a bad-ass queen.

Sad or Just Angry

#28: The last time I cried

This was a difficult post for me to write. I’m a very sensitive person so I cry about a lot of things. I’ve cried about shared stories, happy endings, and heartwarming tales; I once cried because of how cute a kitten was – and it wasn’t even mine. Heck, I’ve even cried for absolutely no reason. I was just sitting there and the tears started falling.

Yesterday was different though. I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster that had no end. I had to deal with people I didn’t like, drive around the city, for unnecessary things, and then help a friend with who was having some relationship problems. Talk about emotionally draining.

Said friend came over late in the evening and was asking for advice. They had me read a letter they were writing for someone they cared about and requested my opinion. It was tough to tell them what I really thought because I was never placed in a situation like theirs. I couldn’t tell them what to say or how to say it – then it wouldn’t be their feelings and emotions, it would be mine.  Mine don’t even make sense right now.

As they were leaving, I was reminded about where I was, what I was doing, and who I wanted to be. Despite everything good that is happening in my life, I feel like I still haven’t accomplished as much as I would have liked to accomplish. Imposter syndrome hits again.

I sat there being mad at myself, pissed off that I had done nothing but write my Research Project this summer. I was pissed that I didn’t get to go out as much and enjoy some time off. I was pissed that I didn’t get to go to the places I wanted to go because I was stuck writing my Research Project, I was pissed because… life has been shit and I haven’t had enough ‘me time’.

So I broke down and cried about it. I haven’t cried like this in a long time and to be honest, it felt so good once the tears stopped streaming. I felt like a giant load had been taken off my shoulders and I was just left alone with my thoughts.

I wanted to write this post yesterday, but I just wasn’t able to put my thoughts into words. I wasn’t able to focus on how I was feeling besides being angry and sad. I feel better today though, more free and clear headed.

I promised myself to do some more self care,
and that is exactly what I am going to do.

Embrace

#25: Best Physical Features.

A letter to the woman in the mirror.

Dear mirror,

You are an amazingly graceful and magical human. I know this is hard for you to hear, but I know what you’re going through. I understand that some days you hate yourself, look in the mirror and wish things were different. I’ve seen you cry about your acne, blemishes, hair, freckles, dark spots, and scars on your body. You are not alone. Everyone has imperfections: they don’t define you but they are part of who you are. You deserve so much better; you deserve to feel good about the skin you’re in. We all do.

Self-love is something you will learn about in the future. It teaches you to take care of yourself, your well-being, and your own happiness. You deserve to let go of our insecurities and embrace the beauty that is your body.  There’s so much I want to tell you about beauty ideals, and how the media dictates what is and isn’t beautiful. They’re wrong, they’re all wrong.

You had a lot of fears and hatred towards your skin as you grew up. I remember when you hated your freckles, acne, dark circles, large pores and just about every minor blemish you thought existed. No one will see them, except for you. These thoughts derive from the institutionalized ideals of what the media considers to be perfect, from images in advertisements and comments made to you about your appearance, despite the fact that ‘perfection’ does not exist – NO ONE IS PERFECT.

I remember when you used to flip through magazines quite a lot when you were a teen. More often than not the advertisements directed at those who have dark circles include models with too subtle discoloration to notice. You wanted these products to be your solution, but they weren’t – no matter how much money you spent on an eye cream. You were told that you would look ‘better’ or ‘nicer’ if you covered those circles up. Makeup was said to ‘fix’ or ‘hide’ these blemishes. You used to use makeup to ‘hide’ everything.

It was not until you started wearing makeup more often that it became about accentuating a part of you – it was no longer about hiding those ‘blemishes’. I remember how you changed. How you felt better wearing it – You became more confident.

Now that you are much older, putting on makeup has become more of a therapeutic process – quality time with you, yourself, and your face. You do it because it makes you feel good; it enhances the features you have come to call beautiful. I’ve noticed how you do not see the blemishes like you used to (except for those dark circles). You look at yourself differently, you see yourself and your skin.

There are so many things that happened that allowed you to see yourself in new ways. You have finally came to terms with your body and the policing that surrounded it.

When I look at you, I see a strong woman with a killer personality. But if you care to know, you are all around beautiful. My favorite physical features? Your deep brown eyes, striking smile, wild curly hair, and adorable freckles. I know it doesn’t mean much coming from me, but one day you will look at yourself in the same way that I see you.

Sincerely,
The woman on the other side

Ships that Pass and Broken Promises

#24: Difficult time in my life.

This letter goes out to a friend I once called my sister.

Dear Friend,

I’m using the above term loosely and you’ll understand why as you read this – if you ever do. Years ago, you showed a side of you that I would never have thought I’d see. I was going through a tough time in my life: fourth-year projects, final exams, graduate-school applications, family crises, and stress-induced anxiety and depression. I expected you to be there for me;  I expected you to be supportive of my hopes and dreams; I expected for you to understand that I needed to get my work done;  I expected you to be my friend – my sister.

I guess my expectations were too high.

You didn’t care. All you cared about was yourself. Not once did you ask me if I needed help; not once did you ask me if I was ‘okay’; not once did you take a minute to consider that you pressuring me to ‘hang out’ was adding on to my overflowing pile of shit I was dealing with. You were a fucking inconsiderate bitch and I resented you for what you put me through.

The thing that hurt the most, wasn’t you just being inconsiderate and self-centered. It was you breaking all the promises that you kept. You promised that my secrets would be kept with you. But they never were. I confided in you, I cried about my life in front of you, but instead of keeping it to yourself, you told your partner everything – You want to know how I know? They approached me about it. Your partner knew more about my life than I ever wanted anyone to know. But you didn’t care. Your partner was more important than our friendship.

It always was: ever since I introduced you.

Writing this letter has been difficult for me. I had let all of this go shortly after we stopped talking. Thinking about the past, and what you did has brought back a lot of unwanted emotions. If you’re wondering, I cut you out of my life for a reason, and these above mention, are only some of them. I don’t hate you but I would rather not have you fuck me up like you did before.

I want you to know that you hurt me and we can never be like we used to be; I’m doing good things in my life; ever since we stopped talking, I’ve been dreaming bigger aiming higher, and working harder for what I want. We’re better off as acquaintances, as two people who used to be close but only say hello like ships that pass in the night.

Sincerely with no regrets,
A better me.

Muse-ique

#22: Ten favorite songs.

My taste in what I deem as good or bad music has changed drastically over the years.

I went through an angst-y hard rock and death-metal phase when I was in middle school which coincidentally changed into hip hop, R n’ B and rap over the course of high school (then again so did my group of friends – so they may have been a factor into that change).

I often use music as a: getaway, mood changer, confidence booster, workout enhancer,  shower karaoke, and party starter. As of late, I will listen to just about anything and I mean anything.

That said, my choice of music also changes often enough for me to have a new favorite song every day. The following are not my favorite (because I don’t have any absolute favorites), but they are currently the most played songs on my playlist.

  1. Joseph Attieh – Helwa
  2. Adele – Hello
  3. Jon Bellion – Woke the Fuck Up.
  4. Nick Jonas ft. Tove Lo – Closer
  5. Chainsmokers – Closer
  6. Myriam Fares – Chouf Halak Alayi 
  7. Ed Sheeran – Shape of You
  8. Kygo & Selena Gomez – It Ain’t Me
  9. Disclosure ft. Lorde – Magnets 
  10. Tove Lo – Talking Body

 

What are your favorite songs?

The Future

#20: Where do you want to be in 10 years?

I ask myself this all the time. Sort of. Well, it’s more like:

What the fuck am I doing with my life?
Where the fuck am I going to be in the near/late future?

Instead of telling you the typical overall hopes and dreams thing, I’m going to make it slightly more realistic and break it down in list-form (because I love lists). Similar to my previous bucket list list, these are the ten things I hope to accomplish (that are feasible) within the next ten or so years.

  1. TESL (Teaching English as a Second Language) certificate
  2. Visit family in Lebanon.
  3. Travel to more than 5 places in the world.
  4. Survive my five to six years as  PhD candidate.
  5. Move out of my parents house and live alone or with friends.
  6. Find a stable job – that I actually like.
  7. Road-trip across Canada.
  8. Read a hundred books in a year.
  9. Start thinking about starting a family/getting married/buying a house.
  10. Continue working my ass off to earn everything that I’ve ever wanted (‘Cause you know, some of us don’t just get handed stuff that easily).